If I knew it wouldnt hurt you, if I left you tomorrow - I would F you everyday forever

song lyric I just wrote and I am very proud of - will probably have to change F to Love for Walmart release

had gotten down to around 195

but in last 6 weeks, one weekend had a cold and shot up 10 pounds..anyway, I am back on weight loss bandwagon..I am 205 now..planning to be 190 by December 4th..and 175 by 1/02/10 and then over next couple of months get down to somewhere between 145 and 165..(my high in last year was around 265, have been on a mostly vegan, mostly raw diet..and when I say diet I am on a whole this is way for rest of life kind of thing..all I count are calories and fat content & try to only eat when hungry & I workout now..fat content, working out & vegan for health and moral superiority - for most part its simply the calories that matter for weight loss..the real secret to losing weight quickly -have a lot to lose)..after get down to goal weight, I will concentrate on my hair and getting a little taller

The only good suicide bomber is a dead suicide bomber

a spider in the corner of the wall over my bed

wrote in her web "some pig"...I am gonna smash it

Separated at Birth

I hope everyone knows, I was totally joking around with the PR comments I made yesterday..

.I tend to love Puerto Rican culture & I actually feel Puerto Ricans will do very well in the racial rankings this year...if current trends hold they will probably end 2009 with a racial ranking as high as or better than my own race -The Hebrew

wild animals I have seen in Central Park and I dont mean in the zoo, I mean walking around the woods for real....turtles, turkeys raccoons,

hawks, falcons, steve martin and a wolf

I'm thinking of

putting an old beat up c stained sofabed on the curb in front of Late Night with David Letterman theater on 52nd street

We salute Obama for his decisive action against the Moon and are glad the world and Nobel committee recognizes it as a necessary and...

proper step towards peace. Peace thru Strength!

bangbangshow.com also congratulates Obama for winning the other following awards today...the Pulitzer prize, the Stanley Cup, best costume at the Coney Island Mermaid Parade and Best Reader in Mrs. Rauton's 3rd grade class

this just in..Iraninan president Ahmadinejad demands Rep. Grayson apologize for "..comparing the U.S. health care system to a nonexistentent event"

breaking story - new Mackenzie Phillips revelation...

she's still having sex with her father!..more details on Oprah today

3 syllable limit on 1st names

this Mary Katherine Pork chick on Fox seems nice enough but how the F did she convince them to call her Mar y Kath er ine every time they talk to her...

just drank my first bottle of "Poland Spring Dick Hardening Moon Water"

and man is my member super hard right now..I'm spinning on the floor like an old school break dancer..balanced on the tip of my cock

All thru the Shul..not a Jew was essing..not even Raul (Raul Cohen)

Lent..5 weeks of no M&M's, ooh so tough..Ramadan..4 weeks of no eating till after sunset each day..HA...Yom Kippur - 24 hours of ZERO Food, ZERO Water, simply living off of prayer & singing the gospel of YWHW..Happy Yom Kippur MF'ers..Jews - #1 in racial rankings, 3 years in a row & counting..Say it

please help a friend of mine who is competing to get naked to help animals

a friend of mine is competing to get naked to help animals, I would really appreciate it if you vote for her to get naked (after you go to the link - she is #11 in the grey box - Jannette P - check her name and scroll down to vote. Click anywhere on this text to vote.

Among the people unexpected to attend the shofar concert is FRAN DRESCHER!

straightening up my place, watching the Ted Kennedy memorial, hoping they will bring out Michael Jackson's kids to say a few words

(Buddha Twitter entry from 8/28/534 BCE) Seeking enlightment/ditching wife and kid today! back in 7 years..woohoo!

you can learn more about Buddha and the path to enlightenment - here

if we are going to give free health care to poor people

they should at least have to pedal electricty generating bikes while in the Dr's waiting room...(if they are gurney bound, it can be modified to be pedaled with their hands..and for little kids, I am sure they could make electricty generating trikes)

I fell in love with this article and am getting married to it

By Sasjkia Otto
Published: 7:00AM BST 05 Aug 2009

Woman getting married to fairground ride

Amy Wolfe, a US church organist who claims to have objectum sexuality, a condition that makes sufferers attracted to inanimate objects, plans to marry a magic carpet fairground ride. “I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever,” she said.
Miss Wolfe first fell for the ride when she was 13: “I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally.
“I wasn’t freaked out, as it just felt so natural, but I didn’t tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn’t ‘normal’ to have feelings for a fairground ride.”
Ten years later, she decided to go back to Knoebels Amusement Park to declare her love. She now sleeps with a picture of the ride on her ceiling and carries its spare nuts and bolts around to feel closer to it.
She claims to believe they share a fulfilling physical and spiritual relationship and does not get jealous when other people ride it.
Although she faces discrimination from employers, most of her family and friends have been supportive. “I’m not hurting anyone and I can’t help it," she said. "It’s a part of who I am.”

loved how at the end of the vote, Sotomayor jumped up on top of Senator Rockefeller's desk, ripped off her business suit and was wearing short shorts

and a belly shirt (made out of PR flag)..and it was sweet how Senator Kennedy struggled to hold up the boombox, and Mr Microphone as he sang " Living La Vida Loca"

very excited.. getting my first Tramp Stamp manana..Larry King's punim

Even if she was really hot, I dont think I could date the woman that ate her kid's brain

which means I am not shallow

remember those Larry King columns that everyone used to make fun of..

stuff like.. "Nothing beats Rocky Road ice cream in a cone...Say what you want, but Richard Nixon had great hair...my lucky number is 33..whatever happened to Girl Scout Cookies?.." I just realized - Larry was the world's first Twitterer

this just in ...Obama to issue a statement later today

that question #54 (concerning anaerobic bacteria) on Mrs Hughes' 3rd period biology class exam "not fair and should not count" as it wasnt covered in Chapter 6

sometime in the last 12 months, I went on a date with this girl

(I am not going to pinpoint when to protect her privacy) we actually went on a couple of dates, on the second date we made out, then on the third date we started making out again but then she pulled away and told me she had had an abortion earlier that day and just wanted to be friends for awhile. She was an incredible kisser, great lips.

in 1988, one of the funniest people I knew was Tony Earle

I ran into him again in 1997..he was docent giving a tour at the California African American museum near USC..I was thinking- this guy is fucking funny.then I realized it was Tony Fucking Earle - who I hadnt seen in 10 years..dont know whatever happened to him

I made a joke about Ralph Howard on the wrap up show today

but what I didnt say is, he is consistently one of the friendliest and most polite of the people I work with ...

Just for the record, Obama quit too

promised to Illinois voters to serve 6 years as their Senator if elected...he quit with something like over 2 years left on his term...Palin quitting with less time left on her term....and no its not like getting a promotion at same company...promising to represent a state as its senator very different job than running the country.

Blind item: Which daughter of a prominent political family in the pacific northwest is known to regularly have sex with Kodiak bears

N. Korea arresting the reporters for illegally crossing the border is no worse than us jailing people for drug possesion or obscenity..

both are bs...and that one reporter is lucky she is related to a famous panda..its getting this more coverage

(photos: top Laura Ling, bottom Ling Ling)

Hey Gays - your buddy Obama is really looking out for you

as per Obama's request - the supreme court today upheld gays being kicked out of military for being gay ...and Obama continues to be AGAINST gays being allowed to marry..what a fine upstanding fellow

...while touring the remains of Buchenwald concentration camp today

Obama finds a bag containing 13 mill uncounted ballots...making Pat Buchanan the new senator from Minnesota...

...oops...Gore gets N. Korea to agree to

execute the reporters by hanging instead of electric chair, to lessen the environmental impact

fuck what they said about me today..I am NOT an amoeba!..I am multicellular and anyone with a fucking microscope, I will prove it to you..furthermore

I am fine in saltwater or freshwater..also, to clear up other misinformation that has been said about me..a couple of weeks ago when there was a discussion on the show about who believes in god and who doesnt..Fred for some reason said that I absolutely believe in God..I asked him of air why he said that, he said he was just fucking with me...I do NOT have a definite belief in God..I do believe there MAY be something, but I also believe there may not be any overall intelligent conscious controlling force ...and even if there is whether we should worship it or whether we are part of it..is not neccesarily inherent

Sometimes I get really worried about whether I should buy ankle length socks or instead calf length socks

other times I get really worry that I am going to die and cease to exist for all eternity (god forbid, take it back tst tst tst)

its not my fault that I am fat, 2 big black men grabbed me, duct taped me down and have been force feeding me for 18 years

now you know the truth, I am typong this with my nose that why often typos...blaming blacks even better than using diabetes as an excuse

laying on a scrap of blanket covering a mattress reading about how to throw things out

unclutterer.com...its good..so hard to throw things out..I was trying to go thru a box of phone #'s tonight..threw out Doug Goodstein's # at least 30 times,,not that I have anything against Goodtein, just I know his # by heart and I know for a fact its in my address book..Gange's cell # is a different story...do I have it typed in online? ...too lazy to check so I keep the scrap with his # on it..if it was one scrap fine..but there are a million like it...what about Berkowitz - he used to work with us at E...what about this scrap with Radzinskis # on it ...what about this scrap that says I spent 37 that I was supposed to be reimbursed for that I never got reimbursed..what about some chick I met in vegas last year when Christy and I went there and I have part of her email address on a scrap so fucking overwhelming to throw shit out..oh and this scrap reminds me of time I sat in bathroom to get to LA for free..and heres an amtrak ticket that I was supposed to turn in 11 years ago to get money back..maybe if I mail it in I can still get the money back ..I am a fucking filer my whole fucking life is fiing..I hate it I love empty rooms with nothing...I want to live in an empty room with a desk and a computer and 2 or 3 outfits

Why are black people kidnapping white people and releasing them in Disney World?

I asked 3 different black people today and they all claimed they knew nothing about it..sure

new supreme court nominee is not that hot :(

She has a pleasant face and a nice smile and I think good teeth..but really she just isnt all that hot..I am not sure if they have released body shots yet, maybe that will be better, but I dont have my hopes up :(

I support the torturers but not the torture

advice

when you need a good excuse, tell people you are diabetic...a lot of people have it, so its believable and most people dont understand diabetes enough to question your reasoning

Susan Boyle is actually kind of handsome in a Neil Diamond/Jonas Bros kind of way

What happens to the parrots when the pirates are taken into custody?

while the protection of innocent human life from the pirates is my primary concern, I hope these magnificent birds are treated humanely and rehabilitated back into the wild. too often in the past we have seen animals suffer for the wrondgoing of their caretakers.

I'm into organized religion but I'm not a spiritual person

a draft dodger is/was an escaped slave

its okay to not want to die or to not want to kill

Should I return the hockey shirt to Jim McClure and should I give Tim back the empty glass bottle from the juice he gave me

I am really bad at throwing things out. A few months ago, I wrote about how excited I was that Jim McClure told me he had a black hockey shirt that he was getting rid of and wanted to know if I wanted it..I said sure..I've always wanted another hockey shirt and a black one seemed perfect..he gave it to me, I took it home, excitedly tried it on..ends up I dont really like it..I have been confused for months as to what to do with it, I am considering tomorrow (Monday) to bring it back to the office and see if Jim wants it back...

the other day, Tim and I were talking about his juices, he asked me if I wanted to try one.. I was curious, but at first declined as I felt maybe he only had a very limited amount of the bottles, Tim heartily insisted..and I took one..the juice was in this pretty glass 16 ounce bottle..here's my confusion -I finished the bottle, enjoyed the cucumber juice (if you are curious as to what cucumber juice tastes like - it tastes like cucumbers)

printed on the bottle it says "return for $2.00 refund", should I return the bottle to Tim, so he can get the refund (assuming he collects all his bottles and does so anyway) or should I just throw out the bottle and get on with my day

While I applaud Madonna for adopting...

I have a feeling something more is going on, I have a feeling there is something symbolic/mystical to her about Malawi and she feels she is going to pick out and raise the next Jesus..and in essence be the Madonna ..I have figured out the whole thing yet, but I am working on it

disgusting but fascinating - inside your ear

I need to clean my apt ...the neatness/simplicity/minimalism of Bernie Madoff's jailcell looks appealing to me

Have you wished all your life that boiling eggs wasnt so difficult?

I love Indian dancing

found this on the internet

What do we feed the inmates in jail - that are convicted of "cruelty to animals"

if you eat mammals - dont yell at people for stuffing cats into bongs

hoping something will fail is not necessarily a reflection on the outcome, but may be that u think the means are immoral

it also might mean you think short term success will lead to an even huger disaster down the road. Often anti- intellectual people hear buzzwords/phrases and attack. I think its worth exploring the ideas


and yes, I am talking about the whole Limbo thing. and I felt this way long before Limbo ever said it.

If Fawn Liebowitz were still alive, she would turn 66 today

A simple solution to the lobbying/bribery going on

stop trying to limit the individual or groups constitutional right to give $ (for whatever reason) but enact laws that say the in office politician can not know where any donation is coming from..that is he/she can only receive donations blindly

either that or buy a piece of land next to Baracks house and give it to him

check this out

Girls, if you let a man's penis in your vagina, defecate in his bathroom

why doesnt the country have a big giant car wash, to raise the money to fix the economy

Hey Obama, Draft Bush and send him to Iraq

I don't hate Bush as much as alot of you guys do, but it would be really funny if Obama did it

if ya feel like it, join this group I created on Facebook

Sully Sullied!

Sully dropped 11 points in popularity today after photos released on internet showed Sully fellating and sharing what appeared to be a bong with a horse . Representatives for Sully claim the waterpipe contained tobacco and not marijuana as originally reported.

in college, Jon Daitch was a fraternity brother of mine and a roommate at ZBT..as my girlfriend and I lay in 1 loft and Daitch in another - Jon would sometimes play this album and we would all wear hoods and sing ..Jon was later a roommate in ny -not exactly a roommate - as there were 4 people in 1 room (one of them is now Jon's wife - Maryse)..then I moved to L.A. for a year, then back to NY and I lived on Jon and Maryse and Rob's couch for several weeks..Jon helped me put together a resume, I applied to the show - then I headed to live in the parks and waited to hear back from the resume..I did, and the rest is history ..anyway Jon is one of the most creative talented people I know/who also has the ability to get things done - he can play keboards by ear..the way I am talking it sounds like Jon is dead - godforbid, take it back tsst tsst tsst - but thankfully he is alive - I consider him one of my closest friends - anyway - he liked ELO..

4 people who seem exceptionally nice when they come on the show

I have often been asked, who is the biggest ass or who is really nice - off air - when they come on the show..here are 4 people that stand out...

James Brown...he seemed to make a point to give a friendly hello to everyone in office..now whether he was reallly a nice guy, who knows, he did have rumors about hitting and I think shooting some former girlfriends/wives..but when he came on show he was always really old school polite and nice..one of my favorite James Brown stories - he owned or rented some office space down in Georgia ..and on his floor another business also had office space..there was a bathroom on the floor, but the bathroom was supposed to just be James..but the people from the other business were using his bathroom - so, one day, James walked into their boardroom while a meting was going on, shot his gun into the air and announced to them "Stop using my bathroom"

Drew Carey..whether its out of insecurity or just plain niceness this guy was so nice - I remember him in the green room - this was years ago , back when I was an intern or just starting out and I think I was carrying a box and he asked if I needed help moving the stuff I was carrying around and when I said no thanks, he asked in all seriousness if while he was waiting to to go on the show if there was anything he could be doing to help around the office, answer phones, etc

John Stamos like James Brown, Stamos always seems to make it a point to give everyone a hello and I am not just talking the obvious, Howard and Robin, I am talking everyone from receptionists, interns on up, very complimentary, very nice...I also probably have a softspot for Stamos cause people always get us confused lookwise and think I am him and vice versa

Dave Chappelle..there is just something so sweet about the guy, and I am also talking times I have ran into him on street years before I met him thru the show..I've also always felt a sadness about him.cant pinpoint it, exactly but you want to hug the guy
(and no I am not gay, I am going to go have sex with a woman right now)

milking Salma

"...The actress and producer was told by doctors in Sierra Leone that many mothers stop breastfeeding their infants within the first few months after birth because of pressure from their husbands. Tradition has it, in some areas, that it is not acceptable to have sexual relations with breast feeding women..."

moments later, Salma F'ed the childs father

video from last year when I applied to be on the ParisBFFshow

Week 5 Required Video - video powered by Metacafe

Octomom strikes deal with Whole Foods to live in Lobster tank

Octomom Nadya Suleman has struck a deal with a Whole Foods grocery store located 3 miles from Bellmore, California, for her and 14 children to live in a lobster tank...details pending

(by the way, as far as scientists can tell, Lobsters don't "age", in fact, some believe LOBSTERS CAN LIVE FOREVER...they keep growing thruout their lives..theoretically there may be a 5000 year old, 1 ton lobster out there, they remain fertile and get even more so the older they get, and they seem to only die from accidents/being eaten, etc..seriously,,check out some of these links

Octopuses are thought to be extremely intelligent, some believe them to be as intelligent (in a different way) as dogs

photo of a real 646 pound catfish here

Yo Bishop Holocaust Denier

you are so sure Jesus rose from the dead, but for the Holocaust you say there is not enough evidence?

For the upcoming anniversary of Spitzer's resignation, should I...?

Videotape myself dressed up as tranny hooker and go to Spitzer's Apt building and tell the doorman I am there to see Elliot and wait till I am let up or Elliot comes down

Etta James you are being a douche

I dig your performances and you seem interesting..but YOU DID NOT WRITE THE SONG "AT LAST", AND TONS OF OTHERS HAVE PERFORMED IT before you and after you.

WAY TO GO BLACK PEOPLE!!!! - today is your day!

Inauguration observations -

I was in office and 90% of people's eyes glued to tv...I wonder if a lot of people around the country worried like me - that if you left in middle of speech you looked racist...

When I walked back to newsroom and everyone in room seemed to be watching the speech except High Pitch Mike - I involuntarily thought 'racist' (even though I dont really think he is)

Any chance Cheney in wheelchair, to get sympathy?..even in wheelchair - there is something really scary about that guy - like if you cross him - you're thru

Are there any actual locks on White House doors? Does Bush give his set of keys to Obama? Do they change the locks? Does Bush leave a set under the mat?

If Bush refused to physically leave the White House - would they have to go thru an actual eviction process?

maybe I was just reading into it - but during the moment when Obama and Bush together right before Bush left - the thought on Michelle's mind towards Bush seemed to be "Get the fuck out already"

Be extra nice to black people today and greet them with a hearty "Happy Martin Luther King Day"

Is Caroline Kennedy the true mother of Trig Palin? Trig the product of an affair between NY Times scion Pinch Sulzberger and Caroline?

Article here about the alleged affair

I couldn't find any real estate listings in Gaza

here's one in Iraq

Kathy Griffin disguises herself as a hot chick and comes up with amazing new dick joke

I wonder, if like Brent..does Obama fantasize about a black man doing his wife?

23 hours 48 minutes till showtime